Stop and Stare
by cryingblacktears
Summary: Oneshot of Neil after the play...with a twist...read to find out...


**AN: So I was listening to 'Stop and Stare' by OneRepublic (don't own it, by the way) and thinking that it fits what happened to Neil after the play...**

**So here is the plot bunny...enjoy!**

Stop and Stare

_This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us  
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust  
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here  
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years_

"But that's...ten years! Father, that's a lifetime!"

_  
Steady hands, just take the wheel...  
And every glance is killing me_

Neil couldn't look at his father on the way home. Maybe if he didn't look at his face, he wouldn't have to face the questioning, the disapproval.

_Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead_

"I've got to tell you what _I _feel!" He's going to tell him, let him see, and maybe, just maybe, his father will see what he sees and, just for once, be happy for him. Maybe.

_  
_It was useless trying to explain of course. He'd been shot down before he'd even started, falling, as if in slow motion, back into the chair with a regretful "Nothing..."

_Stop and stare  
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere  
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared  
But I've become what I can't be, oh_

And as he sits behind his father's desk with a gun in his hand, Neil wonders how it came to this. A cold metal gun that holds his only way out.

_  
Stop and stare  
You start to wonder why you're here not there  
And you'd give anything to get what's fair  
But fair ain't what you really need  
Oh, can you see what I see_

It's not fair, just not fair...but his father doesn't see that. He just sees his son leading a better life than he did. Making more of himself. But..."He's never asked how _I_ feel!" That was what he told Keating, who gave him a solution that sounded so simple, but when it came to applying it, he failed in the worst way.__

They're trying to come back, all my senses push  
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...  
Steady feet, don't fail me now  
Gonna run till you can't walk  
Something pulls my focus out  
And I'm standing down...

He rests the gun on his temple and pulls the trigger. It seems as natural as blinking. But...something's not right. There's no blackness, no end to life. It's as though there are two Neils, one that has pulled the trigger and is lying, crumpled and broken on the floor of his father's study, and one sitting, undecided, with the gun to his head, slowly lowering it to the desk.__

Stop and stare  
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere  
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared  
But I've become what I can't be, oh  
Stop and stare

And suddenly his mind in assaulted by images, snippets of speech against the background of static from an illegal radio that only works on the roof

"You say things...and people listen-"

"Congratulations Neil,"

"Carpe Diem!"

"Truth...like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold-"

"-I'll kill myself!"

"I'm not like that,"

"Don't you think you could be?"

_Don't you think you could be. _His words, to Todd, asking him if he could be the person people listened to. _Couldn't I?_

_  
You start to wonder why you're here not there  
And you'd give anything to get what's fair  
But fair ain't what you really need  
Oh, you don't need_

Time seems to stand still, and Neil is no longer part of its equation. Reality has shot off in two, completely separate directions, both with huge consequences, but which one to choose? Death is easy. His pain will no longer be his own, but shared among his friends, and anyone who knows/knew him. Living is much harder. There's the possibility of military school, of a life sentence living his father's dreams. But...there's room for change. Nothing is finalised. He could be given the chance to chase his own dreams, forge out his own paths __

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare  
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere  
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared  
But I've become what I can't be  
Oh, do you see what I see

Neil slowly, puts the gun down, wraps it back up and slides it into the drawer. He moves like a ghost back to his room, knowing that tomorrow will be the hardest of his life, that he could regret his decision not to take the easy way out, but at the same time, knowing that as long as he's alive, there's a chance for change.

**AN: And I kind of went off on one here...I was just going to follow Neil's suicide scenes with my take on his emotions and the song lyrics...instead we have this very odd parallel universe type thing...**

**By the way, I HATE the ending...so if you can think of how it could possibly end better...please tell me (:**

**Smiles**

**--CBT**


End file.
